Memo to all our staff

 

Dear IMF employees:
The board of our respectable institution was appalled by the news of one of our most beloved employees, Dominique Stauss-Kahn, being accused of rape in New York a couple of weeks ago. On the bright side, this might have cleared up Dom’s nickname as “easy dick”, so please stop sending emails to our office explaining that the diminutive for Dominique is “Dom”, not “Dick”, which corresponds to Richard.

Most disturbingly, the mounting malaise in our midst threatens the proper functioning of our bank. The situation is critical: we must distance ourselves from the sleep-your-way-to-the-top, Hollywood exec image, that Dom has unfortunately given us. Our Public Relations department is already hard at work to address this issue (another positive result from this situation is being able to avoid the childish jokes, “Dominique is hard at work” in the future).

We have the utmost confidence that the heads of our DoubleSpeak section will sweep the affair under the carpet in no time.

Notwithstanding, this memo refers to internal conduct and seeks to clarify the many questions that have come to our attention in these last days. In answer to Mr. Patterson’s query for example, no, it’s not because Catholic Priests get off the hook with a slap on the wrist that we can do the same at the IMF. The Pope did try to stick his neck out for us on this one, but once he realized Dominique was jewish, he said we were on our own.

The problem seems to spur from a punctual fact, studied in extenso by psychologists: the confusion of countries, with the people of said countries. It is a common practice underlined in every field of work so do not panic, the IMF has started an in-depth treatment that aims to help each and every one of you.

In the meanwhile, this memo will provide you with valuable information in order to avoid future scandals concerning rape.

We know that some of you might be having trouble distinguishing the work environment from the private one, hence the confusions and scandals. Therefore, let us stress a couple of points regarding this issue and clear up the IMF’s policy:

-We still are, and always will be, allowed to rape and humiliate a country or a group of people. This is the IMF’s raison d’être. Not only is this expected, it is mandatory for any employee renegotiating debt with a third-world country.

-On the other hand, we are strongly opposed to, and will not tolerate, the rape of individuals. The difference must be obvious for any of our employees: raping Argentina in the ’90s, and fucking the shit out of their natural resources, is not the same as raping an Argentinean woman (refer to Human Resources for an illustrated guide regarding this matter).

-Metaphors do not constitute a legal excuse for rape. “Her boobs were like the Kilimanjaro” cannot be used as an argument by our lawyers in a court.

-We expect Dom’s “pull the loan out of my pants” joke, to be dead and buried.

-Our medical plan no longer covers Viagra pills. We know most of you are old and have a tendency to indulge in these kind of stimulants but from now on, you will have to pay for them yourselves.

-In light of the recent scandal, the “cum on Africa the longest” contest is banned. Participants will be reimbursed.

-Cultural and anthropological classes will be issued to our staff traveling abroad in order to understand in which countries “no” means “no”, in which countries “no” means “maybe” and in which countries women have no say on the matter whatsoever. Tests must be passed before every trip.

We hope this has been informative. If you feel in need of clarification, please address yourself to your direct supervisor. In the meanwhile, do schedule an appointment for the Rorschach test with our in-house Psychiatrist, and may we strongly recommend you don’t answer, “I see a pussy” on every card. May Dominique’s disgrace be a lesson to all of us.

Sincerely,
The man

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