SIB will be posting musings, advice, and her thoughts here on a weekly basis. Be warned, this IS a sex column and although there won’t be any steamy visuals (it’s not porn, ya know?) the text WILL be NSFW.
A few weeks back, Gutter Magazine’s resident movie critic thefrontrowe, gave his review of the movie “What’s Your Number?” I was disappointed to see the talented, Baltimore darling, Anna Farris in such a witless plot of a movie, but we all make mistakes. But what really got me thinking was the title and premise of the movie. My first thought was, “Who in the world would still ask that question of anyone?” In modern society are we really so hung up over such a silly thing as the number of people we have had sex with?
In looking over various articles and studies and also in talking to some people I sadly found out that “the number game” is still very much in play. For the most part, old stereotypes are the norm. Men like to inflate their number, so that it appears that their sexual prowess is not in question. Apparently, for men, the notch in the bedpost is still a badge of honor and something they compete for. Women are still trying to keep their number lower, or at least appear lower so as not to appear as a slut. But, they also don’t want their number to be too low, because they don’t want to seem inexperienced.
Listen up Boys & Girls: This entire game needs to end now. Why are we quantifying the number of sexual partners we have in twenty-first century relationships with the mores established in the seventeenth century (or earlier!?). Many men and women begin having sex in their mid-teens and are not entering into marriages until later in their 20s and 30s. This increases the dating window greatly and it is inevitable that both men and women will have more years to be sexually active prior to their marriage/partnership. More time means that we are also more likely to have sex with more people in general.
It doesn’t matter what your number is.
I know, I know – it’s the testosterone that gets you feeling like everything is a competition. You always have to prove that what you have is bigger, better, etc. than your pals’. But is getting more sex from more people better than just getting more sex from the same people? When you find something good, don’t be afraid to hold on to it. Don’t go wondering if something else is better – be in the moment and cherish every orgasm you have right now.
It is a balancing act and you will lose. You won’t lose by having too few lovers, or too many. You will lose by putting all of your focus and energy into some silly old hang-up instead of focusing on enjoying your life and the sex that you are having. I know firsthand that this can be difficult. And many in society think that it is the men who make us obsess over such stupid trivial matters. But, in truth, it is really other women. WE can be our own worst enemies. Slut-shaming is prevalent in all circles of girlfriends and it is something that we need to pull together to stop.
It doesn’t matter what his/her number is.
This advice rings true for both sexes.
For each person you meet, remember that yes, there were others before you, but now you have the opportunity to be the best and final. THAT should be your focus. Let him/her know that no mater what the number was going into today, it just stalled.
Well, Baltimore, there is so much more I could say on this subject, but that’s all for me now. I love hearing from so many of you, answering your questions and hearing your suggestions: [email protected] and follow me on my blog, Tumblr, and Twitter.