…Literally. When people ask me about Venezuela, the country where I was born and grew up in, they tend to pick one of two subjects: politics or women. Of course, this is just bar talk: some perfunctory expression of hate/love of Latin-American leaders and love/love of Latin-American women. Yes, yes; I know: we’ve won a bunch of beauty pageants. The sleaze ball in charge of Miss Venezuela, a repulsive little toad-like character called Osmel Sousa, has got the whole thing down to a friggin’ science. He makes supermodels like Oscar Mayer makes sausages. And the process is pretty much the same, trust me.

 

This is how we built one of the most discriminatory, macho societies in the world: the Titocracy (and I don’t mean we read Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus). Roll around Caracas, for example, and you’ll be eye-raped by a humungous pair of jugs holding a beer:

 

Tagline: "How many blondes can you handle?"

 

 

…so you can drool while you drive off a cliff.

 

Now, blitz a population with titties 24/7 (titzkrieg?) and you’ll soon have a materialistic, ego-obsessed, population. Enter plastic surgery.

 

Breast implants became a fad a couple of years ago: a female deputy in the National Assembly (our equivalent of the Congress) even proposed the state pay for breast implants for the poor, to avoid “discrimination”. If rich girls were morphing themselves into some ridiculous simulacrum of Pamela Anderson, why couldn’t poor girls do the same? Ah. The beauty of a good old democratic discussion (somehow, I’m not sure that’s what Plato had in mind when he talked about “open discourse in the Agora”).

 

Fast-forward to 2012, and we get this gem: a titty party… For women. But don’t get excited: the idea behind these parties is simple. Pay a cover charge (less than 2 dollars) and you get to participate in a raffle, the prize being (you guessed it) a couple of breast implants. A COUPLE OF FUCKING BREAST IMPLANTS.

 

Now, I don’t know who in their right mind would actually want to get breast implants, but apart from that, what kind of idiot would implant herself with a pair of fake tits she won in a raffle? A 2-dollar a ticket raffle, at that? (How many people go to these things? 2 dollars a ticket? Are you serious?).

 

That’s all I wanted to write about. Recently, some people celebrated “Women’s day” (noticeably by writing un-original and cheesy messages on their Facebook walls), so I thought I’d just chip in my two cents. Women’s rights, gender equality and all that, works like this in the third world:

 

Good luck with the raffle, ladies… (and cross-dressing guys?).

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