Saw

James Wan’s 2004 masterpiece redefined horror, displayed genius plot twists reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock and introduced us to Jigsaw; a cancer-stricken man determined to make other’s appreciate life. I think that it says a lot about my personality and is an undeniable red flag when I say, Saw fascinates me. I’m a little on Jigsaw’s side; I don’t condone what he does and I certainly wouldn’t do it myself, but I can appreciate why he does what he does. Massacre for massacre’s sake has been done to death (pun intended) but Jigsaw is trying to make the world a better place . . . by challenging cheaters, liars, murderers, junkies and rapists and testing just how much it means to them to be alive. One of the most original anti-heroes of the horror genre and undeniably, one of the most inventive horrors franchises to date.

Antichrist

Ladies, never watch this. Just don’t! You’ll never recover. Antichrist is a graphic Danish horror released in 2009 and starring Wiilem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg as a grieving couple who retreat to a cabin in the woods where Dafoe is tormented by visions and Gainsbourg displays increasingly violent sexual and sadistic behaviour. A controversial horror flick that starts opens with the tragic death of a child and ends with a sliced off clit. I warned you . . . If we were bigger people we could look deeper and be fascinated with the psycho-analysis and the connection between grieving and sex and all that, but . . . she cut it off!!! Charlotte Gainsbourg was featured in a Debenhams-esque beauty campaign last Christmas. I couldn’t even bring myself to go into the shop . . .

Nightmare On Elm Street

Wes Craven’s 1984 slasher classic got a revamp in 2010 with Jackie Earle Haley taking on the role made famous by Robert Englund; Freddy Krueger, the murdered child molester, who wrecks revenge on the children of Elm Street in the one place that their parents can’t protect them, their dreams. Ever the anti-hipster I am, I preferred the 2010 version (despite it being a flop) more than the original (mostly because I think there’s no better actor than Jackie Earle Haley). I love his outfit, his weapon of choice and I liked the brief suggestion that he was, in fact, not a paedophile but a victim, before his true nature was confirmed; stroking the cheek of a girl with his knife-finger while saying, “You were my favourite” . . .*shudder*

Hard Candy

Strangers shouldn’t talk to little girls . . . One of the most controversial movies of our time stars Patrick Wilson and Ellen Page and sparked heated debate when it was released in 2005.  The Hollywood equivalent of The Paedophile Hunter has Page as the unexpectedvigilante out for revenge on men with a penchant for young girls . . . like watching Lolita if Lolita had fought back! An edge-of-your-seat thriller which shocked us with what happens when the predator is NOT the person you expected . . .

The Human Centipede 2

The Human Centipede is notorious as one of the most gruesome, graphic horrors ever imagined, but people are generally missing a trick. By some weird twist of fate, I saw the sequel before the first instalment, and ended up giggling through the original. The Human Centipede 2 deals with a disturbed man who obsesses over the first film and is hell-bent on creating his own “centipede” with 12 people, including Ashlynn Yennie, who stars in the first film. This shocking horror takes 100% medical inaccuracy and mixes it with a character creepier than anyone or thing I have ever had the misfortune to see in my nightmares. The licking of his lips while he watches the movie . . .*shudder*. The same disturbing concept as the original, but I swear it’s a whole other, better, scare! NOT for the faint-hearted!

Friday The 13th

So, you’re in the middle of a game of strip-Monopoly while a storm rages outside, and you decide it’s time for bed, which, is in another cabin. You have your raincoat with you, do you?

A) Take a second to put on your clothes and put the raincoat over it?

B) Put on your raincoat?

C) Hold the raincoat over your head and go running out into the storm?

D) Sleep in the cabin with your friends?

Friday The 13th opted for Option C. We have a half-naked woman running through the forest with a raincoat over her head. Very believable. Apparently, common sense wasn’t around in the 1980s, neither was the ability to act for some of these half-naked girls. I got as far as Kevin Bacon’s death before I got a stitch from laughing too hard and gave up with this cheesy, cliched horror.

The Shining

I have never understood the big deal with The Shining. It’s  a plot that I don’t quite follow, making it more confusing than creepy, and just one line worth tuning in for. I’d rather watch the same axe-wielding moment in Son Of Chucky. Somehow, it was more bad-ass when a doll did it . . .

Teeth

OK. Considering this 2007 flick IS a black comedy horror, it was never looking to be ranked alongside Hitchcock’s Psycho or The Exorcist, but a pro-chastity teen with a vagina with teeth?! My pro-woman instinct kicks in with this movie; who wouldn’t want to bite a sleaze’s dick off when he’s trying to rape you? As the plot suggests, it makes a vital part of life difficult, but also comes in handy for our lead, Dawn (played by Jess Weixler). Undoubtedly the man’s equivalent of the aforementioned Antichrist, therefore only designed to terrify one half of the intended audience . . . in an unorthodox but funny way (for us females, at least!) 

Annabelle

One of the latest attempts to scare us is this James Wan-produced horror and prequel to 2013’s horror-hit, The Conjuring. BOO! Nah, I wasn’t frightened, either . . . The originality of Wan that we have come to know and love from the Saw franchise is lacking here; this film in essentially Chucky, but less-inviting as an appropriate gift for a little girl due to how overwhelmingly creepy it looks! My childhood doll was a Baby Annabelle. She cried and peed and drank her bottle. That was creepy enough, thanks; taking on the duties of a mother at 4 years old. That, my friends, IS a horror story!

Candyman

This 1992 spin of the “Bloody Mary” folklore didn’t make me scream, didn’t make me jump but made me laugh . . . and half-wish that deep voice of Candyman’s would sing me to sleep. An summoned, sinister soul is a done-to-death plot and the villain (played by Tony Todd) is tremble-inducing for the wrong reasons while Virginia Madsen is the blonde “victim” whose “tall tales” of a hooked killer makes her look crazy to her nearest and dearest. The hook was miles better when JM Barrie done it. 

 

 

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